Is your definition of sex limited to penis-in-vagina (P-in-V) penetration? I don’t blame you. That’s what you have been brought up to believe. “Make sure you have safe sex by using a condom” and “Don’t have sex, sex leads to pregnancy”. I’m sure you’ve heard it all. But what happens when you expand your definition of sex?
Like the word “hook-up” which can mean anything from kissing to sex, sex can mean different things for different people.
My personal definition of sex is any act that brings you sexual pleasure. This can range from penetration to masturbation, even to sexting.My personal definition of sex is any act that brings you sexual pleasure. This can range from penetration to masturbation, even to sexting. Click To Tweet
What can you include in your definition of sex?
Let’s say you use my definition of sex (anything that brings you sexual pleasure), what kind of activities would you include?
Let’s start with the more obvious ones and try to categorize them.
- Penis-in-vagina penetration
- Penis-in-anus penetration
- Finger-in-vagina penetration
- Finger-in-anus penetration
- Sex toy-in-vagina
- Sex toy-in-anus
- Mouth to vulva
- Mouth to penis
- Mouth to anus (rimming)
External stimulation (also includes different types of oral sex)
- Hand to vulva (your own hand or your partner’s)
- Sex toy/vibrator to vulva or penis
- Hand to penis
- Hand to outside of anus
- Tribbing (rubbing of the vulva on another person or object), includes scissoring.
- Mutual masturbation
- Solo masturbation
- “Dry humping” with clothes on
- Breast stimulation
- Sensual/erotic naked massage
- Deep kissing/making out
- Naked cuddling and non-genital touch
- Watching porn
- Reading erotica
- Listening to audio erotica
- Phone sex
- “Skype sex” over video.
It’s quite a long list! (Please let me know if you’d like to add more to it!)
Do you see how you can expand your definition of sex to include a range of different activities that bring YOU pleasure? There is so much more you can do that doesn’t involve a penis jamming into a vagina for 5 minutes. I hope it gave you some ideas for your next date night!
Now that you know HOW to expand your definition of sex, let’s get into WHY you should expand your definition of sex.
1. It makes sex more exciting
I’m sure just reading that list of sexual activities got you excited and got your mind racing.
By expanding your definition of sex, you can include a wide range of activities that excite YOU. This helps to prevent boredom in the bedroom and will help you look forward to having sex. If you know that the sex is going to be fun, you’re more likely to want to have it again and again.
2. It decreases performance anxiety
By expanding your definition of sex, you take the pressure off yourself and your partner to perform.
For example: If you aren’t feeling up to penetration for whatever reason (maybe penetration hurts or you feel icky after a long day), you can choose a different activity. You will still experience sexual pleasure and create deeper intimacy and connection in your relationship.
It also takes the pressure off of trying to fit into a specific sexual script. You don’t have to go from kissing, to touching breasts, to touching the vulva, to vaginal penetration. You can determine the journey as you enjoy it in that moment. Try going from kissing, to dry humping, to erotic massage, to rimming. There are no rules!
3. It reduces negative anticipation
Negative anticipation is when you know something is going to happen and you don’t want it to happen, or you dread it happening. It’s the opposite of excitedly looking forward to something.
For example: You can experience negative anticipation if penetration is painful for you, like if you have vaginismus. If your view of sex is limited to P-in-V penetration, then you won’t have sex with your partner, and you will actively avoid all attempts they make at initiating sex.
But if you expand your definition of sex to all the things we talked about earlier, you will still have a huge range of activities to choose from that don’t involve penetration at all. This will help keep your libido going and keep your sexual connection alive and well.
This doesn’t only apply to painful sex, it can apply to all sorts of things, including avoiding sex because it’s boring and it’s the same old thing every time.
4. It’s more inclusive
By expanding your definition of sex, you validate the experiences of people who may not have sex like you do. People from the LGBTI+ community may or may not have sex the way you do, and it’s still very much a valid form of sex, no matter the person’s gender (or lack thereof).By expanding your definition of sex, you validate the experiences of people who may not have sex like you do. Click To Tweet
It also creates an inclusive environment for people who have other forms of sex for other reasons, such as people with disabilities or mobility issues, or even people who have had their genitals removed because of cancer, etc.
5. It improves intimacy
By expanding your definition of sex, you can improve the intimacy in your relationship.
If you stop thinking about sex as all-or-nothing (focusing on P-in-V penetration), you will engage sexually with your partner more often. And the more you have sex, the more intimate and connected you will feel, especially if your love language is physical touch.If you stop thinking about sex as all-or-nothing, you will engage sexually with your partner more often. And the more you have sex, the more intimate and connected you will feel, especially if your love language is physical touch. Click To Tweet
For example: If you had a long hard day at work, the last thing you want to do is have energetic, passionate sex. You’d probably prefer to have a naked massage, have a bath together, or cuddle naked until you fall asleep. That would be a perfectly valid sexual encounter and you wouldn’t even need to touch each other’s genitals. You would both experience love, intimacy and connection.
6. It can lead to more orgasms
By expanding your definition of sex, you will definitely have more orgasms, especially if you’re a woman.
75% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone, and need to have external clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. This is the norm. There’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t orgasm from P-in-V penetration.75% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone, and need to have external clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. This is the norm. There's nothing wrong with you if you can't orgasm from P-in-V penetration. Click To Tweet
Oral sex and other forms of external stimulation are not just small steps of foreplay on the way to the main event of penetration. It should be prioritized and enjoyed as a main event in it’s own right. You need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, so it’s time to prioritize it!
Say goodbye to 5.4 minutes of “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” sex, and say hello to hours of pleasure that you deserve. You can choose whatever you like on the menu, there’s a buffet of options!
7. It stops you from categorizing sexual acts as mutual or one-sided
By expanding your definition of sex, you will stop thinking about giving and receiving pleasure as a balancing act.
What I mean by this is that you need to stop feeling guilty when your partner goes down on you for 30 minutes and you don’t return the favour. Yes, love is about give and take, but it’s not about keeping score.Love is about give and take, but it's not about keeping score. Click To Tweet
You can experience pleasure, intimacy and connection by “giving” someone oral sex even if you don’t have an orgasm. I’m sure you’ve experienced this before. Satisfying sexual encounters DON’T need to end in an orgasm for either person. And satisfying sexual encounters don’t always have to include touching of both partner’s genitals for it to be valid.
By expanding your definition of sex, you can improve the pleasure, intimacy and connection in your relationship exponentially. It can increase the quality of the sex you’re having, as well as the quantity of sex you’re having.
The more good sex you have, the more good sex you’ll want to have! It’s a simple and easy way to improve your libido and improve the intimacy in your relationship.
If you found this post helpful and you’d like to learn more about improving your libido and your relationship, start by taking the FREE Libido Assessment right now.