In order to improve your libido you need to understand how your libido works. Here I will break down how libido works and show you how you hit the accelerator on your libido starting today.
If you’re in a long-term committed relationship, I’m sure you’re very aware how different your sex life is now compared to when you first started dating.
In the beginning everything was fresh and exciting, you had sex all the time. A few years in, that passion is dwindling and you’re becoming more like roommates than lovers.
Believe it or not, but this is normal.
The first stages of love are full of lust and excitement, but as you get to know your partner and spend more time with them, that excitement dies down and you head into a more companionship type of love.
This love is wonderful too, it’s just different.
In this phase, your sex life can take a dip and take a backseat to all your other priorities. Now your days are full of work, family, friends and chores. You’re very comfortable around each other (maybe too comfortable!), and the romance fades.
So how can you get the spark back and make sure you maintain an active sex life for decades to come?
You learn how to hack your libido. By learning how to hit the accelerator on your libido and control the brakes, you can have the sex life you’ve always wanted.By learning how to hit the accelerator on your libido and control the brakes, you can have the sex life you've always wanted. Click To Tweet
If you would like to learn more about how the accelerators and brakes work, you can read this post.
So how can you hit the accelerator on your libido?
1. Seek novelty
Humans love novelty, and in long-term relationships the novelty fades fast. Unless you do something about it.
When adding novelty to your relationship, you don’t have to book a holiday on a beach halfway across the world. You simply need to change one thing about the sexual experience so that it’s not the same very single time.
It can be a new position, a new outfit, a new toy, or a new location (like the kitchen or bathroom, or even the pool).
It doesn’t have to be big, expensive or take too much effort.
By incorporating new things into your time together, your relationship will continue to feel fresh and exciting over the long term. And these new things don’t even have to be related to sex.By incorporating new things into your time together, your relationship will continue to feel fresh and exciting over the long term. And these new things don't even have to be related to sex. Click To Tweet
Going hiking, starting a new hobby together, or even trying a new restaurant can bring novelty and excitement back into your relationship. The point is to get out of the hum-drum routine you’ve been stuck in.
2. Share your fantasies
Make a list of all the sexy things you could try together, mark them with a yes/no/maybe, and compare lists to see what you can try together.
Mojo Upgrade is a great site for this! It allows you both to take the quiz in private, answering questions about what sorts of sexy things you’d be interested in trying or not.
It’s a great way to share your deepest, darkest fantasies with your partner without the risk of being embarrassed or shot down. It’s especially helpful if you find it difficult to talk about sex or talk about your fantasies.
Once you have both answered the questions, the program spits out a list of all the things the two of you matched on. It leaves out everything you didn’t agree on so there’s no awkwardness or hurt feelings. You’re given a long list of all the things you and your partner want to try.
There are so many options to choose from that you won’t even remember what was left out!
3. Remember that you’re a sexual adult who does sexy things
My number one recommendation here is to get out of mom-mode!
That doesn’t mean that you have to have kids in order to get out of mom-mode. The point is to get out of any caregiver role.
You cannot get into a sexy frame of mind if you’re worried about caring for someone or something, it just switches that sexy button off in your brain.You cannot get into a sexy frame of mind if you're worried about caring for someone or something, it just switches that sexy button off in your brain. Click To Tweet
How do you become a sexual adult again?
Plan and schedule sexy time, a time when you are only a sexual and sensual being. Not a mom, not a caretaker, not the doer of chores. Get back into that frame of mind when you first got together, and before you got too familiar and comfortable with each other.
This is the time to hide your not-so-sexy bodily functions. Like farting, using the toilet with the door open, picking your pimples, etc. (unless you’re into that!)
4. Identify your accelerators
Is there a specific perfume you love your partner to wear? Do you want to send sexy/flirty texts to your partner during the day?
What gets you going, and how can you turn yourself on before engaging with your partner?
Do you like to read or listen to erotic stories? How about making yourself feel good with a pampering and a massage, maybe even venturing into masturbation to get yourself riled up beforehand?
If your libido is more responsive, then it’s your responsibility to also put the work and effort into getting yourself turned on before sex. It’s not your partner’s responsibility to turn you on all the time.If your libido is more responsive, then it's your responsibility to also put the work and effort into getting yourself turned on before sex. It's not your partner's responsibility to turn you on all the time. Click To Tweet
And remember, the sex doesn’t have to be mind-blowing every time. That doesn’t mean that something is wrong. It’s completely normal to have more relaxed, even mediocre sex, as long as you feel connected to your partner.
The focus is on intimacy and connection, not how many orgasms you can have. That’s what will keep your sex life and your relationship alive for decades to come.The focus is on intimacy and connection, not how many orgasms you can have. That's what will keep your sex life and your relationship alive for decades to come. Click To Tweet
If you’re struggling with low libido and need help improving the intimacy in your relationship, take the FREE Libido Assessment right now.
5. Make the bedroom sexy again
Do you spend your evenings in bed watching TV, cuddled up with your kids or pets? Talk about a libido killer!
By removing the TV from the bedroom, and making sure the bed is a place for sleep and sex ONLY, you create a sacred place where you and your partner can connect again.By removing the TV from the bedroom, and making sure the bed is a place for sleep and sex ONLY, you create a sacred place where you and your partner can connect again. Click To Tweet
And that means putting your phone away too!
Allow yourself to be present with your partner, even if it’s just for a few minutes before bed each night. This small change can make a big difference to how connected you feel to each other.
You can even take it up a notch by making the lighting more subtle and romantic, lighting a few candles, and going to bed in sexier PJs.
6. Use lube
Wetter is better! Lubricant makes everything feel better, even if you don’t have vaginal dryness. It can help you get ready for penetration quicker and make it easier to have a marathon sex session without feeling raw after 30 minutes.
There are plenty of options to choose from, just make sure that if you’re using silicone toys or condoms that you use a water-based lubricant.
7. Connect outside of the bedroom
If things aren’t going well outside the bedroom, it’s not going to go well inside the bedroom.If things aren't going well outside the bedroom, it's not going to go well inside the bedroom. Click To Tweet
By making sure you spend quality time together and regularly connect in non-sexual ways, you are more likely to be more satisfied with your relationship both inside and outside the bedroom.
Some people require more quality time and emotional connection outside of the bedroom before they can consider sex. Without that love and connection, they’re not going to want to get sexy with you any time soon.
8. Have a life outside of your relationship
Just because you’re in a long-term committed relationship, it doesn’t mean that you’re one person and need to do everything together.
By having your own friends and your own hobbies outside of the relationship, you maintain your independence. And it automatically incorporates more novelty into the relationship when you are together again.
It will give you a lot more to talk about and allow you to learn more about each other in ways you haven’t before.
Mystery is exciting! Knowing everything about your partner may sound romantic in theory, but after some time it can actually take the excitement out of the relationship.Mystery is exciting! Knowing everything about your partner may sound romantic in theory, but after some time it can actually take the excitement out of the relationship. Click To Tweet
In order to hit the accelerator on your libido, you need to incorporate novelty into your relationship, both inside and outside of the bedroom. Being too comfortable and overly familiar with your partner can lead to a reduction in sexual attraction and excitement.
Take some time to figure out what gets you going and push on those buttons. Remember that your partner is not the only person responsible for turning you on and getting you in the mood.
You are primarily responsible for yourself, so get yourself in the mood before sexy time in order to maximise the passion potential.
Try new things! It’s time to bring the romance back!