Does it feel like your libido has stalled and you just can’t get it back into gear? Does it seem like nothing revs your engine anymore? Allow me be your libido mechanic and show you how to hack your libido and get it going again so you can get where you want to be.
(Tired of the car analogy yet? I’ve got more for you!)
By thinking about your libido like a car, we can easily break down how your libido works and tackle each component separately. After all, it takes a lot of different moving pieces to get a car moving again.
How does the car analogy help with libido?
Sexual desire, or your libido, is controlled by what sexologists call the “dual control model”. It refers to the two competing systems in your brain that determine whether you experience sexual desire in any given moment or not.
These two systems are the Sexual Excitation System and the Sexual Inhibition System. The Sexual Excitation System is what we refer to as the libido accelerators. And the Sexual Inhibition System is what we refer to as the libido brakes.
See where the car analogy comes in?
These two systems are constantly working against each other to balance out and determine whether you experience sexual desire or not.
How does it work?
Your accelerators get you sexually excited and create sexual desire. When there are more (or stronger) accelerators than brakes (which stop sexual desire) then your libido will be higher and you’ll experience sexual desire (and the car will move forward).
If you have too many brakes then you won’t have a libido or experience sexual desire (and the car will stop). No matter how much you push on the accelerator, the brakes will prevent you from moving forward.
This system is very sophisticated. And while it might feel like sometimes it gets in the way of you living your best life, it actually protects you.
For example, your Sexual Inhibition System makes sure that you don’t start masturbating in the middle of a business meeting in front of everyone you work with. It stops you from running wild and humping stranger’s legs in the supermarket. Without this system we wouldn’t be able to be functioning members of society.
It’s not as simple as it seems
Everyone has accelerators and brakes that manage their libido. But everyone has different accelerators and different brakes.
Not only that, some have more sensitive accelerators or brakes than others.
For example, maybe seeing your partner naked after getting out of the shower really get’s you going. One look and you want to pounce on them. Seeing your partner naked and wet is probably your accelerator, and the fact that is worked so quickly and easily means that your accelerator is really sensitive. It was a big push forward.
You weren’t worried about the dirty dishes or the fact that you hadn’t brushed your teeth yet. You were easily pushed towards them and you want them NOW.
Or perhaps your accelerator is when your partner gives you a long sensual massage for 30 minutes, kisses your back and teases you for a while. In this example, your accelerator takes a little while to get warmed up and going. It’s less sensitive than the previous example. This doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, it’s just different.
Maybe kissing your partner deeply for a few minutes gets you excited. But you’ve just come home from work after a long day, you’re exhausted and just want to put your feet up on the couch and numb out on Netflix or social media (or both). You STILL need to worry about making dinner, and you’re stressed about what your boss said about you in the meeting that day.
There’s no way you’re going to want sex. No amount of kissing is going to get you going enough to overcome all of those brakes holding you back.
Or perhaps you have really sensitive brakes and you just CAN’T get in the mood when your kids are sleeping in the next room, no matter how much your partner tries to push your buttons to get you excited.
Your brakes could be absolutely anything that holds you back and prevents you from getting into a sexy frame of mind.
How do we hack your libido?
Knowing all of this, in order to improve your libido and have more sex, you need to incorporate more accelerators, and fewer brakes, into your life. This is easier said than done, but simply knowing how your libido works can already help you make the necessary changes. The first step to change is being aware of the problem.
If you read the sex advice in magazines, I’m sure you’ve noticed that the standard advice given is to increase your accelerators. They tell you to increase the sexual excitement in your relationship by trying role play, incorporating sex toys, watching porn together, trying new sex positions, etc.
This may be helpful, but no amount of accelerators will overcome a strong, sturdy brake system. In order to really get moving, you need to get your foot off of the brakes first. And that’s what most people struggle with. Stress and exhaustion are the two biggest killers of libido, and you’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t start addressing the cause of your stress or finding better ways to release it.
Your libido is controlled by the Dual Control System which consists of accelerators and brakes that are different for everyone. Your libido takes into account everything going on in each moment to determine whether you want to have sex or not. If the brakes are too strong, it will turn your libido off, and if your accelerators are pushing stronger than the brakes then you’ll be able to get turned on and experience sexual desire.
The secret to improving your libido is to increase the accelerators in your relationship and decrease or control the brakes holding you back. Your next step? Become aware of what your accelerators and brakes are so you are able to make any necessary changes.
Did you find this helpful? If you would like to learn more about your libido and how you can hack it, make sure you take the Libido Assessment quiz today.