3 Things You Didn’t Know About Sexual Desire

by | 15/01/21 | Low Libido

Do you want to have a passionate relationship, full of love and sex, and throwing each other against the wall in lust? This is possible, even years into your relationship, but only if you understand these 3 things about sexual desire.

1. There are two different types of sexual desire: Spontaneous Desire and Responsive Desire.

Spontaneous desire is the one you’re probably familiar with. This is like when you see your partner get out of the shower and you can’t help yourself but put your hands on them. You get an external stimulus that generates sexual desire, you get aroused, and you initiate sex. The sexual desire leads to arousal, which leads to action.

Responsive desire is like when you’re sitting on the couch cuddling with your partner, they start to rub your back or your thighs and you can see they are trying to initiate sex. At this moment you weren’t expecting sex and you’re not experiencing any real desire or lust yourself. But you go with it anyway.

As you start having sex, you start really enjoying it and you get very aroused. Now you’re the one that’s full of desire and initiating other sexual acts. This is responsive desire. This is when the action leads to arousal, which leads to sexual desire. It works in the opposite way.

No type of desire is better than the other, they just work in different ways.

As you can probably work out, men tend to experience more spontaneous desire, and women tend to experience more spontaneous desire.

So just because you don’t want to jump your partner’s bones when they get out of the shower, it doesn’t mean that you have a problem with sexual desire. It just means that you need to get into sex first before you start to experience the arousal and desire.

2. If you don’t fan the flame, it will go out.

Just because you’re having regular great sex in the beginning of your relationship, it doesn’t mean that it will stay that way forever. Once the honeymoon phase is over and you’ve progressed into a more companionship type of love, that spontaneous desire is likely to decrease.

You’ll start to realise that you aren’t having sex as often as you used to. Life gets in the way and before you know it you haven’t had sex in 3 months (or longer).

Having sex after a long time of no sex is kind of intimidating. It’s like you’ve forgotten what to do. It doesn’t feel as natural as it used to be, and to be honest, you’re kind of embarrassed to try again.

It’s like you need to rebuild your sexual relationship and get to know each other all over again. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, but it can feel very frustrating. And most importantly, it can make you avoid sex even more.

Once the flame goes out, it’s more difficult to get it started again.

The way to combat this is to make sure you’re regularly connecting with your partner physically, even if it isn’t sex. Maintaining open communication and physical affection can protect your relationship against the awkwardness of trying to get to know each other again.

3. Your motivations for sex don’t have to be about sexual desire or lust.

Sometimes sex doesn’t need to be about sex itself. You can have sex for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with physical gratification or release.

Sex can be about connecting with your partner, about sharing intimacy, about releasing stress or boosting your mood. It can help you feel loved, feel attractive, or feel powerful.

It can be about having fun, passing the time, giving your partner pleasure or reassurance. The list is endless!

What’s important here is to think about YOUR motivations for sex. If you don’t “feel like sex”, would you have sex anyway, to connect with your partner or make them feel loved and appreciated?

You cannot rely on spontaneous desire to keep the romance alive. You need to find your reasons to have sex and allow yourself to be open to it when the moment arises.

So tell me, when your partner is initiating sex, are you going to turn them down and say you’re not in the mood? Or are you going to decide to have sex and reap the other non-sexual benefits of connecting with your partner?

If you would like to learn more about sexual desire and how to improve you libido in a long term relationship, start by taking the FREE Libido Assessment. You will discover your libido type and how you can start improving your libido today.

In Summary

There are two types of sexual desire: spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Relying on spontaneous desire to keep the romance alive can only lead to dissatisfaction in your relationship.

You need to find your motivations or reasons for having sex, and make the effort to connect with your partner regularly.

By keeping the physical connection going, you are fanning the flame of love and romance in your relationship.

two women talking about how they don't experience sexual desire anymore

Make sure to share this post with your family and friends if you think there’s a good chance it could help them too. Thank you!

Disclaimer: This blog consists of only my opinions and doesn’t reflect the opinions of the Department of Health of South Africa or The Southern African Sexual Health Association. All information is accurate and true to the best of my knowledge, but it’s possible that there may be omissions, errors or mistakes. While I am a registered medical practitioner, I am not YOUR doctor. The information presented on this blog is for entertainment and/or informational purposes only and shouldn’t be seen as professional medical advice. If you rely on any information presented, it’s at your own risk. Please consult a professional before taking any sort of action.

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  1. I Never Initiate Sex: My Partner Resents Me For It | Dr Megan Martin - […] women have responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire. So you probably aren’t going to feel aroused until […]

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