Want to improve your sex life but don’t know where to start? In this post I will be breaking down the basics of a healthy sex life. By working on each component and creating a solid foundation, you can build the sex life you’ve always wanted.
Contrary to popular belief, good sex doesn’t just happen, and like all aspects of a relationship, it takes work. It is only by building a solid foundation that you can experience the sexual intimacy you’ve always envied.
So what are the 4 essential components of a healthy sex life?
1. Communication, communication, communication
Of course we start with the most obvious one: communication. You can’t have sex, or at least good sex, without a healthy dose of communication.
As much as you would love your partner to be a mind-reader, they simply aren’t. They can’t smell what you like, or read what you need moment-to-moment without you explicitly telling them.
I get it, saying what you like can be terrifying! It puts you on the spot and makes you feel extremely vulnerable. There is a huge amount of shame to face, especially for women. We have been told not to talk about it because sex is dirty and icky, and it makes you a bad girl. By hoping sex will happen TO US by not talking about it or asking for what we want, we hope we can bypass that judgement.
Fighting against these negative messages about sex is essential to increasing your pleasure and intimacy in the bedroom.
The good news? You don’t have to start out as an expert communicator that can explain all her fantasies in explicit detail and then give instructions throughout sex. You can start small, take baby steps.
It’s as easy as making reassuring sounds or moans during sex when your partner does something you like. You can even use keywords, such as “fingers, please” or “right there”.
My favourite method? Pillow Talk.
When sex is over and you’re lying in bed together, this is the time to talk about what you liked. This is the time for some good, no pressure feedback. You’re both relaxed and feel more emotionally close, and can be a little more vulnerable with each other.
You can say, “I really liked it when you grabbed my hips to pull me closer” or “I really liked it when you turned me over and gave me oral sex from behind”.
By talking about it afterwards, you take the pressure off yourself and your partner.
Make sure to keep the feedback positive. This is not the time to criticize or say what you didn’t like. Giving your partner positive feedback will ensure that they feel good about themselves, and they’ll be more inclined to do all your favourite things the next time.
2. Being present and in-the-moment
This is a big one. There’s no way you will enjoy sex if you spend the whole time thinking about your grocery list or the pile of dishes in the sink.
In order to experience pleasure, in any form, you need to be present to appreciate it. This can apply to anything. You won’t enjoy your meal if you’re shoveling it into your mouth while you watch your favourite TV show. You won’t enjoy a massage if you’re taking work calls while you’re on the massage table.
Pleasure requires presence.Pleasure requires presence. Click To Tweet
This may be easier said than done, but it’s important that you still put the effort into being present in your body during sex. This is where mindfulness comes in.
Mindfulness doesn’t have to look like meditation, it can be focusing on your breathing, taking things slower and appreciating the small details. During sex, focus on the sensations your partner is giving you. Close your eyes. Does it feel good? What do you like about it?
This is not the time to be focusing on reaching that orgasm as fast as possible either!
If you struggle with staying present during sex and distractions are starting to mess with your libido, take the FREE Libido Assessment to start your journey towards taking your power back, and taking control of your sex life again. This is the FIRST STEP towards a happy, healthy sex life.
3. Sex is more than penis-in-vagina penetration
By dividing P-in-V penetration and foreplay into two separate activities, what you’re saying is that one is more important than the other. And if you know that 75% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone, what it’s implying is that your pleasure isn’t important.
75% of women need external clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, so your sex needs to include external clitoral stimulation. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you if you don’t orgasm during penetration. That’s the norm.
Sex can include whatever activities you want it to. Oral sex, anal sex, masturbation or manual stimulation, all of it is sex. And everyone’s definition of sex will be different.
By expanding your definition of sex, you expand your capacity for pleasure.By expanding your definition of sex, you expand your capacity for pleasure. Click To Tweet
4. Masturbation is a valuable part of a healthy sex life
Following on from the previous point, masturbation is an important (and valid) form of sex.
By giving yourself pleasure, you not only learn which sensations you enjoy, you learn how to prioritise your own pleasure. You learn that you don’t need anyone else in order to feel deep, meaningful pleasure.
But masturbation is surrounded by a lot of shame. Most women feel intense guilt around masturbation. Some refusing to indulge in it at all. And why wouldn’t you? Your whole life you’ve been told that it is wrong, dirty and sinful.
I’m here to tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with making your body feel good. You make your body feel good in all sorts of other ways. You enjoy dancing or exercising, you enjoy slowly eating a decadent piece of dark chocolate, you enjoy rubbing your neck and shoulder muscles when they’re feeling tense. I could go on forever!
There is nothing wrong with touching your own body, it was designed to feel pleasure.There is nothing wrong with touching your own body, it was designed to feel pleasure. Click To Tweet
By knowing what you enjoy through masturbation, you can add more of it during sex with your partners.
It takes work and effort to build a healthy sex life. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t going to be fun. The journey will be full of joy and pleasure if you allow it to.
Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship. You won’t have great sex without it. Being present during sex will not only increase your capacity of pleasure, but you will feel more connected to yourself and your partner.
And by expanding your definition of sex, and incorporating masturbation into your regular routine, you make your pleasure a priority in your life and your relationship.
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